Many of you who have been through chemo and or radiation, know there’s an even bigger struggle now that it’s done. I have never been through such a rollercoaster of emotions in my life! Half I can’t even control it just happens, one day I can be the happiest person you know, tomorrow I might wake up feeling depressed or full of anxiety. Why?? Well I have no clue so don’t even try to ask me, I was never the emotional one before all this, during chemo I could cry at the drop of a pin. Chemo brought on a lot of things that weren’t me, on top of physically losing my identity I had no idea who I was during chemo and I still don’t. I was a person who NEVER stopped, 2-3 jobs a day ( I still tend to do this now) filling my day because I hated not being busy. I was never the type who could just sit there for hours doing nothing, maybe an hour max. Growing up being the oldest of 7 younger siblings I am used to chaos and always being busy. Can you imagine what happened when chemo knocked me on my a** and I had to lay or sit for hours accomplish nothing but hours of TV. I was SO frustrated I had to do a complete 180 of who I was, and I hated laying there making no money not seeing my nanny kids, not socializing, life was still going on while I was looking out the window watching it go by. I was going out almost every weekend before this happened. Cancer is like a head on collision to a social person. I am also a person who doesn’t like much change, I like my space, I love to get it all decorated and the way I want it, I am a pretty scheduled person. News flash you can plan tomorrow when going through chemo so heads up on that one! Cancer not only makes you feel like sh*t for days but it changes EVERYTHING, no matter how positive you can be to the outside deep down you know everything it is effecting.
Flash forward to tomorrow being a year that I found out I had cancer, here I am getting to a much better place on this rollercoaster. It’s not perfect I still have those down slopes every now and then, but I am finally getting out there and socializing, taking that trip to finally take a break from this cold state. Meeting people I may have not met if I didn’t push myself to go to these social things (even if I’d rather be in bed 😉 ) I’ve never gone anywhere solo (to much anxiety and intimidation alone haha) but I finally did for the first time! There were a few cracks but overall I am so happy I went! I don’t always know if this is the path I am supposed to be on after going through such a tragic thing, I still don’t even know who I am sometimes looking in the mirror. I do not like the unknown so for me this causes a lot of anxiety, not really knowing who I am especially at the age of 27 is SO damn frustrating!! I feel ashamed that I am not getting out there and doing great things accomplishing amazing accomplishments. I had a year of my life technically taken away from me in a time where I was supposed to be striving, I am not getting any younger I am getting older. Someone tell me which road I am supposed to be on! My mind is going in about 100 different directions of where I think I should be going and jobs I someday want to be doing, on the other hand my body still isn’t quite there to even do half of these things. One social weekend and I feel like I haven’t slept in weeks haha. I am torn between trying to heal and trying to find out who I am or who I am supposed to be. There’s days that I am just going with the flow and seeing what tomorrow will bring and I have been loving living like that! Then the back of my mind brings up “your still single at 27, when are you going to get married? Your going to be older having the babies you want so badly.” Yes thank you mind I am aware, but I am also aware I got robbed of the fun year I was supposed to have last year and I want to make it up! My eyes were opened to so many things that at this point I do just want to go with the flow, take adventures and basically see where life takes me! I just have to block out my age and maybe Ill be ok. I also have a terrible habit of comparing myself to others whether it’s jobs, looks, or relationships. Thats when I get myself down because these people are my age or even younger and I am not even close to being on that level… What am I doing wrong…. Who am I supposed to be, why didn’t I realize the new me during chemo, why didn’t I get a slap on my chemo brain to tell me this is who you are now!
***The above photo is a hat that I am currently obsessed with, my best friend gave this to me if you can see it says FearLess, also the tattoo I have on my arm for a reminder!