lets blog

What’s a Date??

HA! Now that is something to laugh about! If you go into chemo single your coming out single. I have also read a few other blogs where women thought dating was a hilarious. Why is this so funny??? I mean deep down inside this actually really sucks and becomes quite emotional but over all I have to find humor in it. I tried in many more ways then one to try to stay my “normal” self and my “normal” lifestyle, before long I realized what everyone was talking about because most days just getting out of bed was ridiculous. As I told you in one of my last blogs I lost my hair by week 3, after that I couldn’t even look in the mirror because who the h#ll is that?! I have had hair for about 26 years and now my head was as soft as a babies butt, mission trying to find a husband was even more impossible! But she has a wig and you can’t even tell!!  (I got that a lot actually) A. this does not look like real hair even if it’s made from real hair B. I would love to see you try to go out and have a social life after shaving your head C. “you rock it just get out there and have fun!” Yes I know your trying to be positive but I did not in anyway feel like myself let alone try to have a conversation with a man when I know this is a wig and theres nothing underneath it.  If I even tried talked to guys on these stupid dating apps (waste of time I promise you) I felt like I was hiding this huge secret because I had photos pre losing my hair and thats not me anymore. I can’t just drop this cancer bomb on a guy I’ve said one sentence to it just felt so wrong, but why? Because I am the most honest person you will meet and I was hiding something that was taking over my entire life right now, sure it’s a temporary treatment but you do not come out of this who you were before. One of the HUGE thing I am still struggling with 6 months later.

I sound like a terrible person how dare I talk like this when there are serious world problems and people dying in the same situation as me? Until you actually shave your hair and not in your control you tell me I am a bad person as a woman to feel like this. Wether I “can rock this look” to this day I am still highly lacking in the self esteem department (thank goodness for my eyelash extension lady to help make me feel beautiful while having boy hair) DO NOT get me wrong I am so thankful for these compliments because I feel more manly with this hair then feminist. I see that many celebs and musicians have taken this look on as a new hairstyle and I give them SERIOUS props because they freaking rock it! I so badly wish I could do that, I am getting better but very very slowly. You don’t walk into a social event and see women with this hairstyle, it’s women with cute shorter hair or long lucious locks. I know you all know that this is VERY intimidating to walk into a room with strangers let alone gorgeous women so don’t even think about judging me on this statement. I used to be a huge girly girl on top of fashion tried many different hair colors (my mother hated it hehe) tried the latest make up trend even if I was terrible at it. And my identity got taken from me, in a world thats already hard to date in now I have this situation. I still LOVE my fashion, I try to do a good make up look but it’s not often I am in public without a wig. UNLESS it’s a place such as the grocery store where I am never going to see that person again. Ill be at a social event 100% with my wig on, there are few people who see me with my wig off.

Speaking of walking into a room, when I finally chose which wig I am deciding to wear that night I feel like a total fraud if I end up getting a wig compliment because I know it’s not actually whats underneath it. (that whole honesty thing again) If I end up conversing with a cute guy and we end up going on a few dates during which time and date do I bring up the fact I am 6 months out from cancer and this is actually a wig?? Well I can tell you whats happened so far, if I am on that stupid dating app it eventually gets brought up no matter how many times I try to dodge it I just can’t. Why? because thats my whole damn life right now and there are still certain things I can’t do. Also halfway through the date I end up wanting to rip my fraud identity off because it’s itching or cutting off my circulation. When this subject does get brought up it’s usually then that I end up getting “ghosted”. No people I do not want to be with a man who does that. BUT when trying to finally get yourself out there and a guy does that to you its a HUGE stab to the gut! Hello I am cancer FREE now!! There is nothing you need to do I am not asking you to hold a puke bucket in case I finally throw up, I HAD cancer. You can’t get it from me, and it’s hopefully never coming back. In fact men you would have no idea I even had it if it weren’t for the fact my hair fell out so F you anyways hahaha. I guess I am just a really understanding person because this wouldn’t effect a thing for me if a man told me this type of situation.

At this point I am stumped I have no idea where the understanding good guy section is in the world. I am a nanny who has no interaction with a single man at this job, and as many of you know the stupid exhaustion and not so much confidence keeps me from pushing myself to “get out there”. 2018 is not an easy dating world whether your recovering from cancer or not, I don’t know what happened to the dating dynamic. All that I know is that I don’t want to be alone forever that life isn’t for me, I want to be married someday with kids (time is ticking so hopefully that waiting game isn’t SO extremely off 😉 ) Between being a workaholic, family and being a hermit the last almost year I can admit I am a little bit of the problem to not getting myself out there. Clearly going to work and straight home will not help my situation, but my situation is also differers’t. It needs to be a special person who can look past the cancer days and just appreciate who I am now. I have gone through something that not many can say they have (thank god for that) I may not have long beautiful locks or a fun story that doesn’t involve a lot of depressing things, but I have become an extremely strong person who’s eyes have been open and laughing at the little bullsh*t things that DO NOT matter!

NO this isn’t a “read this and date me” application, I am just here to show you if you think dating is hard let me tell you the dating world through a women who had cancer and went into it single. This pushes the already hard dating world WAY out of the picture! Everyone wants or needs love I am no different when it comes to that, we all deserve that. I was so clueless going into my journey and trying to be as normal as possible, if I could’ve just read a blog to be like “heads up say good bye to your dating world and much more” I wouldn’t have been so let down and hurt. Wow how did I just write a novel again?! Im sorry people there’s a lot stored in this hermit brain of mine and I have so much to explain!

As always XOXO, Brittney



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