Hello again from Minnesota! As I sit here bundled up in blankets with my feet always freezing! I thought I would touch base on working during chemo.
Before I was diagnosed I worked 2-3 jobs a day, I would drop any social plans and a lot of family plans so that I could go make money instead. I was going from job to job, napping in-between so I could keep going! Well when I got hit with the C word (I couldn’t say cancer for the longest time, even now it makes me cringe) my work world turned upside down! At the time I told my self thats no problem you know what I am still going to work through chemo I have heard lots of people do that! But I also had so much anxiety of the ridiculous unknown, I do not like not being in control of my body, even if it’s not always possible to be. I discovered the week I got chemo I was so sick, uncomfortable, and tired I definitely could not so see my little toddlers I nanny 😦 BUT the week after which I would call my good week I would try to work a job or two, not just for the money, but to get out and to see my little loves! I was also house sitting a few times while doing chemo which was perfect because I didn’t have to do much but relax! Like I have said previously I am not a patient person, I was used to my days flying by, I was not the type to lay around all day and do nothing. It is literally not in my genes to do so. (also where being impatient comes in) As you can guess chemo drove me INSANE not only because I felt like absolute sh*t but because I just had to sit there 98% of the day!!! Imagine doing chemo in the summer and watching everyone do your favorite summer activities. Not only that but I love to nanny in the summer, I will be outside all day! There is SO much to do in the summer here in MN, the kids love all the adventures we go on! I was missing that SO much and the fact someone else had to take my place to do it and I couldn’t see how much fun the kids were having just killed me! But I knew someone taking my spot for the 6 months needed to happen it was clear as day that was the right thing for my nanny families to do it just broke my heart. I explained that I would basically wish away my days so that this h#ll would just freaking be over! I wanted my damn life and job back!!! This did not make my days easy constantly thinking about it, but how am I supposed to slow down when I am always going 100 miles per hour??? It drove me nuts!! Maybe part of the reason I could’t sleep (to much anxiety build up). It got harder and harder and my “good” week started to turn into “good days” so working was really just up in the air at this point. I also tried to live like a normal person and was so stupid for that. I had signed a lease in January in St Louis Park, not knowing the next month I would find out I had cancer. I pushed and pushed with bills and rent, also having a roommate working a lot mentally really got to me. I didn’t know how I was going to keep up with money , and being by myself so much. (made me think to much and think I was SO alone, this folks was not good for me at all) My parents finally convinced me to move home and my apartment leasing office was so understandable of my situation thank god! I was basically out of money at this point anyways and I really needed to be surrounded by people, just noise. Moving home was the right choice your mom really knows best, which we all secretly know but won’t admit. It was so nice to be with the 7 younger siblings that I have I felt loved 24/7, even if it was pure chaos it’s just what I needed for my background noise.
Now with recovery and my tired days after work, I find myself having to nap and at night finding amazing series on Netflix and Hulu. I am currently shaking my head because why didn’t I put more effort into finding things to distract me DURING chemo and my miserable days?! UGH I could just kick myself. I have also found helpful blogs and books that would have been so perfect during chemo. BUT I need to give myself a slight break because your mind isn’t in that state of mind, it’s jumbled with a million different thoughts and to just survive this day until the next. I did try Netflix and reading during but I didn’t remember the last sentence I read because my brain was going in circles or I was want to remove my stomach because it was so over the top nauseas.
For all of you young or old going through chemo right now, give your self a damn break because I wish I would’ve. I wish I would’ve just took those days and just relaxed even if it isn’t in my genes to do so. (flipping a 180 in your life to be a sloth for the months of chemo is much easier said then done) REST REST REST, and be PATIENT, I was not any of those and maybe it would’ve been easier if I would’ve just don’t those things.
Thats all for now!
** Below is the job that melts my heart, and even helped me get through my bad days! ❤