Good Morning from the freezing state of Minnesota!
So last night I covered on when I found out I had cancer, what kind and fertility. Like I stated previously I have more in-depth posts on my caring bridge so I don’t want to be a broken record, these pages are a fast forward overview of the year in my own personal h#ll.
The morning I harvested my eggs was the same morning I started chemo, I was so scared for 2 new things I had never done and I was getting it done the same day. New things scare me especially the unknown. You hear horror stories of chemo and how you sit there for hours (for me it was usually 4-5 hours) how I did that I have no clue because I am the most impatient person out there. I was lucky enough to have a private room for my hours of poison, my room was filled with my large family and my grandparents. Every other Monday for those many hours, soon enough the cancer center knew the “crew” that I came with. Thankfully the nurses were patient because that was one fully packed room! My first day wasn’t a horror story it was more strange then anything, watching these liquids being pumped into a thing I now had a close relationship with (my port, which was placed on the right side of my chest) actually a love hate relationship with. When it was first placed I hated that thing with a passion! I am so squeamish and knowing this thing was in my chest and pulling so tight disgusted the h#ll out of me, I could’ve thrown up just at the thought of that. BUT being squeamish this port was a life saver, I can’t tell you how many times I had been poked and this was an easy, quick one time poke for the rest of the 5 hours I would be there. I got the concoction of ABVD, I can’t remember which letter was the “red devil” but that was the strangest one to be pumped into me. WTF was this red liquid going to do once it entered the port?! Well I can tell you I am very sensitive to taste and it was not a pleasant taste, just writing this I’m slightly nauseas at the memory. Everything including plain old saline I could taste, I have a very good palette which isn’t always a good thing. Anyways my first day of chemo was complete and I was waiting for a ball to drop when will I feel it? Am I going to feel like total sh*t, whats happening someone just tell me. The thing is every body is different and your doctor can’t really tell you whats going to happen, someone else reaction could be the complete opposite of what mine is going to do. I couldn’t deal with that answer!! I like to be in control and this is just a wide open book, a huge guessing game, I won’t know what the next hour will even bring!!!
My hair fell out the 3rd week even though I told myself Ill be that one in a million where my hair is going to stay. (HA me?! good luck thats impossible!) It was a HORRIFIC experience as a woman to have your hair come out in chunks in the shower, and then wake up the next morning to it tangled in dread locks with some bald patches. That is the morning I had to decide to call my friend who does hair and have her come to me in the private to freaking SHAVE my head!!! I LOVE my hair, many of you know I love experimenting with fun colors why is this happening to me?!?!? I couldn’t even look at myself for days, that bald girl in the mirror I had no idea who she was. If you think thats terrible I would love to see you shave your head when your not in control and choosing to shave it. My eyelashes were still there so I kept my eyelash extensions on, if I had to be bald I at least wanted my lashes to still make a statement. BUT of course 2 months before chemo was over my body just couldn’t hang on 2 more damn months to my lashes and eyebrows!! I was now a gray alien and I was over it, who the h#ll is in the mirror?! I look back now and I actually cry I cannot believe that was me. The girl fighting for her life, lost 20 pounds and couldn’t eat food. (I love food) But wait they have so many nausea drugs in 2017 how did that even happen??? Well my body hates me (haha) and I tried about 10 different medications for my nausea and NOTHING helped I was MISERABLE. There’s nothing I could do at this point and I pushed and pushed myself telling myself it’s almost over just deal with it. It’s basically like having pregnancy nausea (so my mom says) but getting no reward in the end, (well besides my life of course) The warrior I had no idea was in me came out strong during those months of chemo, sometimes I don’t even remember half of the days because I was so focused on it just being over. I remember telling my mom in tears that I sleep all day just to pass the day because I wanted it over so bad! This made my mom come to tears that I slept and watched the clock so the days would just be over. It’s not the way to live I promise you that but when you are at your lowest low, feel and look like shit your not in your right mind.
I got lucky besides want to remove my stomach, I went to the ER once for dehydration but nothing serious ever happened to me. Which when I read other stories or see children going through this I wanted to slap myself. How dare I complain or have all these negative thoughts when other cancer patients have it worse or they don’t have a cure. I still think about it to this day but I was told many times I couldn’t think like that. We all have our own battles, although I am alive and still cancer free I went through my own personal hell that I wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemy. I know I have left ALOT out, in fact my. brain is going at a million miles per hour at the moment and my fingers can’t even keep up, I have to realize I have so much time to tell you all my story so everyone be patient. I also still have the lovely side effect of “Chemo brain” YES it is a real thing, a VERY frustrating thing at 27 to be so forgetful and spacey. I wish chemo would’ve taught me more patience but it didn’t it just must be in my blood, because the side effects I still have (chemo brain and serious exhaustion) are so so frustrating. I am done with chemo why am I not a normal 27 year old 6 months later?! My oncologist laughs at me because she knows patience isn’t a thing for me, but she’s straight forward with me ( I love that) and says your not “normal” right now and what your body went through is insane, you need to SLOW down and heal. Slow down??? also not in my blood.
I think thats long enough for this AM, this is turning into more of a novel then a blog am I right??